Why the ability to ask for what you want is so incredibly powerful -- and sometimes so difficult?

There is a person I know, who I'll call "Ophelia". I've never met an Ophelia, so this should take care of the whole privacy issue. (Though I imagine the real "Ophelia" would be so thrilled to be the topic of a post, that she wouldn't care what I wrote.) Well, our dear Ophelia is quite possibly the most self-centered person I've ever met. Hands down, no doubt about it -- and it impresses the heck out of me! What amazes me about her is that she has absolutely no difficulty stating what she wants. Even more astounding is that it doesn't seem to occur to her that she won't receive it.

I, on the other hand, can't even ask for a glass of water without feeling awkward, much less wondering if I will actually get it.

I'm not normally one to applaud the self-centered. Most of this type that I've encountered are a fairly arrogant bunch. It's all "me, me, me" all the time, time, time. The difference between that sort and Ophelia is that she isn't so much narcissistic as she is in tune with
what will make her happy -- and what makes her happy is getting what she wants. No pretense, no underhanded maneuvers. Just a wide smile and plainly stated, "I want."

"I want that confidential information."
"I want a bigger raise."
"I want a vanilla cupcake with strawberry frosting and sprinkles."

Whatever. She's clear about what she wants and she asks for it in clearly stated terms. Incredibly, a good 98% of the time, someone will grant her request. (Hey, no system is 100%.) She may have to state what she wants several times, often utilizing the "Are we there yet? How about now? Now? Are we there?..." method. (Along with the hint of a
pout.) Yes, this works and no, she's not a five-year-old or a supermodel. She's an adult. Cute, but not in a femme fatale way. So how does she do it?

"All charming people, I fancy, are spoiled. It is the secret of their attraction," according to Oscar Wilde. He may well have been speaking of Ophelia. She is indeed charming. That is part of her success, undoubtedly. But spoiled? Well, Ophelia tell me that when she was
growing up, all she had to do was throw a fit and her parents would give her whatever she wanted. Always. She had the good fortune to be spoiled, as befitting a little princess. As she grew up, she simply expected the world to treat her the same way. So far, she's rarely been
disappointed. (Talk about the Law of Attraction -- she's like its Jedi Master or something.)

Wow.

Why didn't that happen to me?!?!?!

In contrast, I was raised, "Old School": If it was decided that I could have something, I would be given it. If the answer was "No", then I'd better not continue to ask or whine or throw a hissy fit because if I did...um,  things would not go well for my behind. (Now, for you gentle souls, let me hasten to add that I was not a poor unfortunate that was beaten every five minutes and deprived of any childhood happiness. Actually, I only received a spanking twice, and I really can only recall one occurence.) No, instead, my mom had perfected the art of  "The Warning": just the right tone, just the right squint of the eyes. She was like
Dirty Harry-ette in a housedress. I figured out pretty quickly not to mess around when I even saw a hint of "The Warning". So, I learned that you received what you were given and should think twice about asking for more.

I don't fault my mom for having raised me this way. Culturally, that was what was expected of well-behaved children, particularly girls. Having limited exposure to other ways of being, she did what she though was best for me. Also, my mom did provide me with small luxuries
whenever she could afford them and I know she scrimped to have funds available when the Scholastic Books order forms came to school. (I was never wanting for books.) Plus, in many ways, I can see how the firm boundaries and discipline helped keep me safe from self-inflicted miseries when I was young and less experienced in life. The downside was -- is -- that it's difficult to break free of those restrictions which are so deeply ingrained, even though as an adult, these rules create so much self-limitation. I sometimes think how her own life could have been so different if she'd been able to break through those mind barriers that also constrained her. Though at the end she would say she was content with her life overall (and she was), I knew there was always an underlying, "What if?"

So, seeing and knowing the power of being able to ask for what one wants, why is it so hard for some of us to do? Why not just shake off the chains and say, "I want a chocolate-chocolate cupcake with extra sprinkles...and a pony!" I think it's because it's so closely tied in with belief. You ask for what you believe you can have. It's also about
believing you are deserving of good things and that you are not limited by some arbitrary cosmic quota of "X" amount of good things which are allowed per lifetime. You are deserving, not because someone says you are, but simply because you are. I was reading an article in Essence last week about finding your path, and Monique Greenwood was quoted as saying, "I can't remember a time when I didn't believe I was deserving
of achieving my desires. Am I not, and aren't you, just as entitled to happiness as the next person?" I was stunned when I read that. I read it a few more times. Then I copied it into my "Big Dreams" notepad. I added it to the Zaadz quotes. Now I'm writing it here, just so you don't miss it. Read it again. Let it sink deep inside you. Read it daily, hourly, until you can say "Yes, I am" from the depth of your marrow. Then tell the world what you want, with arms outstretched and hands wide open, ready to receive.

Enjoy your cupcake.

I would like to share a poem with you. It is by Robert Lax. It  comes from the book Good Poems which contains poems "Selected and Introduced by Garrison Keillor". I can't recommend it highly enough. Its contents are unpretentious, authentic, and  wise with the knowledge that comes from experience. This poem is called Alley Violinist. Please enjoy.
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Alley Violinist

Robert Lax

if you were an alley violinist

and they threw you money
from three windows

and the first note contained
a nickel and said:
when you play, we dance and
sing, signed
a very poor family

and the second one contained
a dime and said:
i like your playing very much,
signed
a sick old lady

and the last one contained
a dollar and said:
beat it,

would you:
stand there and play?

beat it?

walk away playing your fiddle?

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For more poems, visit http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/

Would you eat them in a box? Would you eat them with a fox?

Assuming that 99.99999% of you brilliant folks are familiar with the classic Dr. Seuss book, Green Eggs and Ham, how many of you have recently read it? After re-reading it the other day, it occurred to me that this is a book that should be read at least once a month. (Maybe weekly, since it's short.) I say this because it seems that many people are reluctant to try new things and in doing so, deprive themselves of something that can be tremendous fun, or perhaps even life-changing. Now, perhaps green eggs and ham isn't all that it's cracked up to be (though for the stout-hearted, the recipe for them can be found at Seussville:  http://www.seussville.com/titles/greeneggs/recipes.html) . But what experiences in life have you been holding back from trying -- and why?

The unknown is scary for most of us. We don't know the outcome. Will we succeed or fail? Sometimes either possibility is terrifying.  Succeed and now there are expectations; fail and now there are none. But what if...what if something beyond success or failure exists? Sometimes there are experiences that surpass either and in which one only finds a deep fulfillment. For that alone, it seems the reward justifies the risk. Think of those fortunate adventurers you know who suddenly took up a hobby, say oil painting. Maybe they are quite good, maybe they are not, but it brings them a contentment that they would not have discovered had they not taken the risk of attempting.

So, try something new this week. Read a book you normally wouldn't. Attend a lecture on a subject about which you know nothing. Heck, take a grouting class at a home improvement center. Take a friend along with you, if it helps. Just try a "courtesy serving": if you have a taste and really don't like it, at least you'll know. But on the other hand,

I do so like green eggs and ham!
Thank you! Thank you,
Sam-I-am!

What happens when you wake up to yourself, only to find that the person you thought you were isn't really who you are at all?

This morning I woke up with the unsettling sense that I am a fraud. A fake. An imposter. I realized that the life I've been living doesn't feel right because it's not the life I was intended to live, nor is the right person inhabiting it. As confusing as that sounds, I think this is something that may resonate within some of you, which is good. I'd hate to think I'm in this alone, because it's kind of a strange place to be.

In the process of examining my life, I recall that the person who came into this world was much different from the one that is here now. She wasn't shy. She was enthusiastic. She wasn't inhibited in her self-expression. She didn't feel "less than" anyone else. She was happy. Unfortunately, along the way from then to now, all that confidence and gusto and joy was stifled. Partly it came from direct external commands ("Don't interrupt, be quiet, sit still, behave, don't embarrass me..."). That played a small part, but what really changed things was having to be "the good child" in a home where the one other sibling still living at home became the focus due to his alcoholism and undisciplined -- and self-destructive -- lifestyle. I once read that it's not unusual for the sibling without the abuse problem to overcompensate for the other's behavior so as not to bring additional stress to the family. Looking back, I can see that I became that perfect child, one who faded into the background and lived to please everyone by being dutiful, respectable, and undemanding. In the process, I lost touch with what I wanted and how I felt about myself. (The stigma and frustration of my brother's alcoholism, I think, was felt more by us family members than by him.) Over the years, I became more lost to my true nature and more rigid in my control of self. What almost saved me was my late husband. He was the one person around whom I felt safe to be me. I could say what I thought and felt because he not only loved, but respected me. When he died, the real self withdrew once more.  Unable to find healing for the trauma of his death, then being pulled back into the my brother's continuing issues, while simultaneously becoming the primary caretaker for my mother in her last years created a situation in which I was so exhausted, I sometimes didn't even know where I was, much less who I was. It isn't until now, nearly 2 years since my mother's death and several months since I've disengaged myself from my brother's choices, that I have the mental and emotional space in which to invite the real me to step up. The thing is, she's showing up...and she's kind of pissed.

Actually, I'm kind of pissed. After all, she is me and I am her. (Trust me, I'm not about to introduce you to Gigi, my other personality.) You'd be peeved too if you'd been locked away, shut down, and cut-off from expressing your best qualities:  the exuberance, the esteem, the belief in the miraculous...what a shame and what a waste that I hadn't allowed myself the expression of these traits sooner and more fully. But today, the fire in those eyes looking back at me in the mirror give me hope that the best part of my life is yet to come. How can it be otherwise ? I've finally shown up.

I came across an interesting article today in a magazine which I believe was called Wyoming Wilderness. It discussed the issue of how many children today do not have the same opportunity for unstructured, natural play which many of us enjoyed during our childhood. This article coincidentally appeared just a day after I read a post by Zaadzster Humanly Possible in which she described how nature was her favorite toy and how it sparked her creativity and imagination. I, too, grew up in a rural area and share the belief that it nurtured my introspective and thoughtful side. Sadly, it appears that this generation (and future generations) will not enjoy the same unrestricted access to the wonders of the great outdoors.

It's not just that developers are paving over just about anything that hasn't been paved over (or tearing up something just so it can be paved over again), but the adult world is increasingly putting restrictions on how and where children can play -- in black and white. No longer can a mom or dad simply put up a tire swing or treehouse in the backyard for the kids. Now there are building codes and homeowner's association regulations to consult. Violate these and be prepared to be fined or possibly even sued. Well, at least the kids can climb he trees in the neighborhood, right? No, that isn't allowed by many associations either. Besides, many parents are concerned about letting their children outside when there's no one to keep an eye on them. (In certain areas, tragically, kids can't safely play outside even with adult supervision.) This means many kids only spend time outdoors if they are enrolled in some type of organized sporting event or if they are lucky enough to have family camping or hiking trips. (With the time crunch many families experience, this probably doesn't happen nearly as often as it should.) So, what's the impact of this "unnatural" situation? It can't be that bad, can it?

Well, a nation of children spending the majority of their free hours indoors with computers and video games  is expanding -- literally. As most of us know, more and more Americans are considered obese. This unfortunately includes children. With the health risks associated with excess weight, this generation may become the first to have a lower life expectancy than their parents. Already, there has been an increase in Type II Diabetes (formerly known as Adult-Onset Diabetes) among school-age children and teenagers. It's bad enough that many schools are downsizing physical education programs and even recess, but now kids aren't even active after school lets out. Worse, the effects don't stop at the physical. Children who spend more time indoors and isolated aren't as mentally fit. Studies demonstrate that the natural world has a positive psychological and cognitive impact. Children who spend time playing outdoors show better coping ability, less depression, and greater learning ability. Among children diagnosed with ADHD, time spent outdoors helps develop calm and focus. Finally, as many of us can attest, chasing butterflies, collecting rocks, and deciphering cloud shapes develops the imagination, instills a sense of wonder, and is just more fun than any electronic blip on a screen will ever be.

Thankfully, there are many organizations across the country which provide educational programs and access to this rapidly shrinking landscape. One local group, The Wildlands Conservancy (http://www.wildlandsconservancy.org) in Southern California provides land stewardship and learning experiences. If you know of any similar programs, please provide links and info so that other Zaadzsters in your area might enjoy them. Also, on a small scale, do what you can to encourage the kids in your life to develop an interest in the outdoors. Take them hiking, buy them a telescope, visit the natural history museum, count the stars, and definitely, watch clouds together. They are the future caretakers of this planet. Teach them well.

Tonight I came across this quote from Sarah Tableton Colvin in the book  Something More by Sara Ban Breathnach. It struck me because as I read it, I suddenly had a rush of images flood my mind's eye.  They were the images of dreams I'd pushed down, so as not to be tantalized by the hope of ever achieving them. It's something I've been doing for a long time, but now that I'm surrendering to the very real possibility of a joyful life, suddenly I find myself shaken by the force of wanting something beyond what currently exists in my life. I not only want, I am openly and honestly admitting that I want... to be happy and fulfilled and excited about my life. Ultimately, I'm finally saying, "Yes, I matter, too." This is a very new thing for me and it is a revelation and a personal revolution. The conflict is, however, is that in choosing to follow my heart's desires, I wonder if I will alienate people in my life. Not because these dreams are in any way destructive or even remotely scandalous, but because they are beyond the image of what others may have of me. Or, even more likely, because by going after what I want and (hopefully) achieving these goals, I will shake up the complacent lives of some of those around me. If I can rise up again and begin to live passionately (baby steps, perhaps, but still...), than there isn't much of an excuse for anyone else not to do the same. I guess there is a risk in that, but it's much less dangerous than trying to stop a freight train running. So I say to the universe: Bring it on! Send forward the blessings because I'm ready to step forward into the life that can be mine.  Peace, love and happiness to all.